It’s Not Even Close

- Impromptu -

It’s not even close.

I read way more than I write.

Which is why I don’t consider myself a writer, but a reader who writes. Which is to say I find this strangely liberating.

I don’t know whether it’s my increasing preference for solitude that’s contributed to this enjoyment or if it's the other way around.

Frankly, I don’t care.

But I don’t think I dislike people, it’s just that I’m generally disinterested in what they talk about.

I’d like to meet someone who reads, preferably a person who’s read the same books I have.

You would think that the more you read, the more distant you become. But if anything, I feel more connected than ever.

This partly explains why I read so much.

I read to get closer, not further away.

One thing I used to get wrong was reading the wrong books. But they led me to the right ones, so what does it really mean to be wrong?

In any case, these books made me more certain of what I knew. The problem is they make what little you know feel like a lot.

They made me feel smarter.

This only made me more foolish.

You might be thinking it's not the book, but the mindset that makes you this way. But that doesn’t explain why I can no longer stomach a single page of these same books.

This is to imply that I now have the right mindset.

What this means is that I don’t know shit.

In fact, I know less than shit.

I’m not pretending to be proud of this, just telling you that I’m now aware.

I only know this now because of the books I’ve been reading, the ones that make me realize I know next to nothing.

We can connect this idea with the newfound affinity I feel with people. Knowing that none of us knows what we’re doing puts us all on equal footing.

Of course, almost no one knows or admits this.

In which case, it’s best to treat it like an inside joke.

Reading also makes writing more enjoyable (I was tempted to say it makes me a better writer, but you’ll be the judge of that).

It makes it enjoyable because I’ve been writing the same way these books make me feel.

I’ve got to go now because I have a lot of reading to get through. But before I do, I want to revise my earlier (earliest?) statement.

Before I ever read in earnest, I tried my best to be a pianist.

So it would be more accurate to say I’m a musician that reads.