Free Lunch

- Intermezzo -

It was an offer I should have refused, but you don't exactly know these things until it's too late.

My parents were asking us to go with them on vacation again. As usual we pretended to not hear them. On previous occasions Kate had enthusiastically volunteered her services, taking care to find the packages that would best suit everyone's individual needs. Not an easy feat, considering my parents aren't easy to please.

Without further ado she presented the results of her research, only for my mother to say, 'daddy says too hot.'

Fine. Back to the drawing board. Round two. Her response:

'Daddy says too cold.'

Ah but it was different this time. First of all, they had already decided on the locale (Hawaii) and my sister's family would be coming along for the ride as well.

Secondly, and most importantly, they were footing the bill (money had been tighter than usual).

So we packed up, met my parents at the airport and boarded the plane. Now, there happened to be a $50 baggage check-in fee since my dad had bought the cheapest tickets available. But what's fifty bucks? It's not even worth mentioning.

• • •

Everything seemed to be going well as we headed to the hotel. I was driving the rental Kate had booked ahead of time. We were letting the festive spirit of Honolulu wash over us.

We parked, walked into the hotel and up to the check-in counter. I stood next to my father as he relayed the reservation details to the receptionist. The receptionist then asked for a card to put on file, as well as informing us there would be a $200 resort fee.

An awkward silence immediately filled the air. As the seconds ticked by, an uncomfortable expression spread over the receptionist's face. I turned to look at my father. He was now standing a few feet away from me, staring off into the distance.

What was he looking at? There was only a wall in front of him.

I presented my card and mentally deducted the amount from the budget I had set aside for the trip. No matter, they had paid for everything else so this was the least I could do.

• • •

The next morning we all had breakfast–comped–in the hotel's restaurant. The view was stunning, a clear shot of the beach. Beautiful blue sky and ocean, waves crashing down as I sipped my coffee. Shoulders relaxed. My sister briefly stopped by to say hello, they were at a nearby hotel. Breakfast concluded, we said goodbye and headed upstairs to get ready for the itinerary Kate had planned out.

My father called before we headed out and asked what we were going to do.

This and that.

'What, you think you can do whatever you want? By yourselves?' he said.

That was the plan.

'Give me your car keys, I want to drive your sister's kids around the town.'

I hung up. Kate looked at me.

Fuck.

• • •

On the bright side, it was for just a few hours. We made the most of it by kayaking on the nearby beach, though, for a split second, I contemplated rowing all the way back to California.

I couldn't understand why my dad was being like this. For one thing, everything we were interested in was the complete opposite of a good time for them. For another, Kate had planned everything out well in advance while my parents had done jack shit.

Despite this I was determined to put on a happy face.

Well, I lost my mind during dinner.

• • •

My mom asks us to make reservations for the whole family. Another obvious setup, but somehow I have temporary amnesia about these things. I ask what kind of restaurant to book, considering they aren't exactly easy to please.

'Oh anything's fine,' she said.

Just tell me what you want to eat, I'm not some goddamned mind reader.

Well, my sister happens to have four fuckin' kids and it turns out we're not the only people on vacation. So after 30 minutes we find a Thai restaurant that would accept our horde at the last minute.

On the way to the restaurant, my mom calls. Whaddya know? They decided on Korean BBQ instead.

Motherf ...

• • •

At the restaurant my dad hands me his card. I know the assignment.

Whatever makes you happy.

Near the end of dinner, my dad is staring daggers at me from across the table. He is very upset for some reason. He starts complaining about how selfish Kate and I have been. Unbelievable how ungrateful and disrespectful we are.

What set me off was hearing Kate's name, I saw only red after that. If he had not mentioned her this would have simply been another annoyance for me to suffer through.

My fury unleashed itself. I had never been so mad at him in my entire life. Despite how livid I was I just barely managed to hold myself back from saying something I would regret, Kate squeezing my hand under the table the entire time.

I don't remember much else of what I said, only that I was shooting murderous laser beams out of my own eyes into his skull. What I do remember is not being afraid of him at all, the first time I ever felt that way. He was too old to lay his hands on me any more. So I kept drilling his face until he looked away away.

The waiter brought our bill and announced it had been paid for.

Thank you!

Warren, thank you!

My mother was calling out to me. I had been staring off into space.

They had been sitting at the opposite end of the table, oblivious to what just happened. Either that or they pretended not to notice.

I kept my gaze focused on my mother's teeth.

• • •

The one good thing that came out of this unpleasant confrontation was that we were left alone for the rest of our stay.

Kate and I went to Morton's the next night. We celebrated our wedding anniversary there. It was very pleasant. The staff treated us like royalty.

It was the happiest I had been while I was there.

• • •

Apparently, it was my mother's turn.

The last night. I was driving over to a port where the luau was taking place. My mother, Kate and I were the only ones in the car (my dad was already there with my sister, her husband and kids).

We hit traffic on the way there and my mother took that as her cue. She started in on an incident which had caused her to worry about my father's deteriorating mental health. I've forgotten the details (which aren't important) but it was something about my mother insisting they had traveled to a certain place and my father denying it.

I was so shock! I say yes but daddy keep say no no!–she spoke some of this in English for Kate's benefit.

Then she burst into tears and I immediately looked forward to the flight home. This might strike you as a cold reaction, but you don't know my mom like I do. As in her own propensity for selective memory and stubborn belief in countless things that are plainly, clearly flat-out wrong.

In any case, she was convinced this was an early warning sign of dementia (she has a medical degree all of a sudden) and forced me to promise to call my dad more often.

I grunted.

When we got to the parking lot the ticket machine barriers were raised perpendicular to the ground. My mother, who has the additional propensity to point out the obvious every chance she gets, asked if this meant parking was free.

I was still reeling from her Shakespearean soliloquy and made a joke, something along the lines of the island engineers being tipped off about our arrival and deciding to short-circuit every ticket machine on the island simultaneously so we wouldn't have to pay.

She got very angry after I said this and I remembered she had absolutely no sense of humor–or maybe I said this already knowing she doesn't have one.

I looked to my right and saw Kate grinning.

• • •

Kate and I have been to plenty of luaus, which is how we could tell this one was very mediocre. But at least my sister treated the whole family.

After it was over, I saw my wife talking to my sister as we all walked back to the parking lot. Later, I asked what they were talking about.

She had asked if my parents had given my sister money to pay for the luau.

Yup.

• • •

Back home my mother sent a few mildly aggressive texts–there were exclamation points attached to the end of them.

Why aren't you calling your dad? He is waiting! Do it now! Hurry up!

I didn't reply. She stopped messaging me.

• • •

About a month or so later, my mom sent me a message. It said that she and my dad had enjoyed our trip very much.

I stared at my phone for a while and blinked a few times before I continued reading.

She went on to say they were really looking forward to another trip with us in the future. Make sure to let them know when we were free again.

Well, the only way that will ever happen is if they don't pay for it.