Thank God
- Rhapsody -
Lately, I've been thinking about how I would not be the person I am today if certain events never happened in my life.
It's a weird thought, because it forces me to acknowledge that alternate realities exist beyond this one I've experienced. There are different versions of me out there that I will never begin to comprehend.
There is no single version of me.
I used to believe my entire fate was in my hands. Whatever I dreamed of was within reach as long as I worked hard for it.
This belief conveniently materialized the exact moment I decided to become a pianist.
I don't know why I was so convinced. Maybe it was because no one else thought much of me back then. Maybe I didn't think much of myself and was using other people as an excuse.
All I know is that it was the only other time I wanted something so bad that I was determined to get it no matter what anyone else thought of me.
This other time was when I was a kid. I was at Toys "R" Us. My dad was with me. He kept threatening me but I wouldn't budge. I have no idea what came over me that I was willing to risk a beating. When we got home I was fully expecting one but it never arrived, I guess my dad was more surprised at my tenacity than I was.
I got the toy.
I didn't make it as a pianist.
It wasn't my refusal to consider failure that did me in, at least I don't think so. What it came down to was that I tried to do it all on my own, I thought accepting any help whatsoever made a person weak. I ignored a lot of good advice that might have made a big difference.
That's just who I was.
Reality tried to teach me it wasn't good to be this way.
Did I finally listen?
No.
No, no, no. I only came up with more excuses:
I never had a fair shot. The system was against me. I just needed more time.
However, I still didn't give up. If a master's degree didn't amount to much then the next logical step indicated the need for an even higher education. Once I graduated with a doctorate, that's when things would fall into place.
Yeah. Yeah right.
Approximately halfway into my studies it dawned on me that I hated the path I was on. Academia was not the world I expected it would be.
Then again, I was only there because I couldn't admit I wasn't good enough to be paid to play.
A lot of bad stuff happened after I dropped out. But let's not get into that. Let's just say it all blew up in my face like a volcano.
Eventually I picked up the pieces and glued it all back together.
Then it all fell apart again (hopefully this is the last time).
I'm going to avoid the cliche here, the one that dictates everything happens for a reason. What really happens is you get to such a low point in life that the stories you've told yourself no longer comfort you. If you're lucky enough, you're able to pull yourself out of it.
If you're unlucky, you go on lying to yourself.
All I can say is I'm glad I didn't get what I wanted back then, not that I had any say in it.
Well, I married my wife (lucky me). This turned out to be one of the few decisions I actually had a say in, even though it took her saying yes.
But I would have never met her if my dad didn't send in a college application without telling me. If he never sent me off I might still be at that liquor store we owned (good God).
It was at that college I never planned on attending that I got sick of doing nothing with my life and put in a transfer to that other college where I went down the road to not making it as a pianist.
It was on this road that I met my wife.
After I met my wife I met Kasper. After we started dating is when we went to that pet store.
That was my family for the next seventeen years.
My wife and I were in LA with our two dogs. I called up an old friend and we all hung out. We went to his place and he started talking about Kasper, how he thought I must have been the world's best trainer when he met him.
Funny thing is Kasper's the one thing I never took credit for. No matter how full of it I was back then, I knew he would have been the perfect dog for anyone.
Thank God he ended up choosing me.
