What I Really Wanted

- Impromptu | Intermezzo -

My whole life has changed ever since I began writing seriously, and it’s really my friends I have to thank for this–if not for them I would have never started.

When I say my whole life has changed, I mean everything on the inside. On the outside, not much is different.

But all of it is different to me, since I don’t see any of it the same way I used to.

People used to notice these changes in me, but not any more. I think they might not understand this can happen more than once, more than a few times.

Maybe it just means the most dramatic changes are the ones they can’t see.

It’s not that I’m changing so much as I’m now unsure of who I am anymore. Whatever the case, if not for my friends I would never have been made aware of any of this.

Whenever I talk to them, our conversations don’t turn out as I expect them to. So I’ve stopped trying to predict or control the flow of our interactions, and I feel relief when I succeed.

I don’t feel the need, as much I used to, to project myself as a confident individual. But I don't feel pressured to reveal my insecurities either–I’m free to conceal as much as I want.

What is this really about?

They give me permission to be myself; I’m allowed to showcase my imperfections and flaws, to make mistakes and not be judged for them.

Because of this, I’ve become conscious of what was once unconscious–this desire I have for validation. It seems rooted in the need to feel superior to those around me.

Initially, I felt disappointed when I didn’t get this validation.

But the disappointment soon became gratitude, once I realized all I ever really wanted was to be treated as an equal.