Where Are All The Trees?
Here's a fun fact about where I live—Tiger Woods went to college here.
Here's another fun fact—there are no more fun facts.
Seriously, that's the whole list.
(there are more, but if you think they're actually "fun" then we need to have a talk—you supply the Tequila Blanco)
When we first moved here, my wife couldn't help but wonder where are all the trees? I'm not saying there are no trees here, just an average amount. But for a city called Cypress, this automatically qualifies as below average.
What's it like here? Let's just say there's not a whole lot going on, i.e. there's nothing going on. Trust me, this is not a destination that is on anyone's must-travel list. But the good thing is that the city is situated close to all major freeways, which makes it easy to escape to bigger cities where there are actual things to do. Hmm, now I wonder if Cypress has something to do with the travel bug that sunk its teeth into my wife so long ago.
Once, I thought I'd get more involved with the community. You know, be a responsible citizen and such—but then I did some research. When I read the meeting agendas for the Recreation and Community Services Commission and saw that the most riveting topic consisted of approving Halloween decorations, I did an immediate about-face (not exactly the cup of tea I wanted to sip).
But another opportunity came my way, when I received an email from the Business Development Manager of Cypress stating that I'd be getting a five hundred dollar gift card in the mail. At first I thought, how is this not a scam?—until I remembered where I lived. Whether this was a business-savvy decision is up for debate, I personally think it was either a thoughtful way to show concern ... or election season.
I didn't want this to be my first and last communication with him, so I replied to see if there was interest in a phone conversation. Yes, I'd be delighted, he said and I eagerly anticipated his call. Nothing came of this except discovering he was swimming out of his depth. According to him, the success pertaining to this free-money project was when all gift cards have been distributed and funds have been expended. This made as much sense as declaring dogs exist to take craps on lawns.
Maybe the fault is mine for expecting to be told something other than what was totally obvious.
Strange as it sounds, I was actually relieved. After all, the sign of a good system is when it can still function despite the ineptitude of the people in charge—similar to how Warren Buffet once said that an efficient company must be one that is simple enough to be run by an idiot, because it eventually will.
If you're wondering, no I do not have a vendetta against Cypress. These are just observations, let's say a thesis about small city life being a double-edged sword (& a big city is the inverse of whatever that may be).
Take the following statement for example:
You don't have to try as hard to survive in a smaller environment.
However, the disadvantage is you don't have to try as hard to survive in a smaller environment.
Concerning the local food scene, my tastebuds really wished the restaurants tried harder.
The dining experience remains overpriced and unsatisfying. But you'd never know from reading the reviews. I suspect they're mostly written from people who have lived their whole lives in Cypress and don't know any better (the day i flew the coop was the day i found out my mother couldn't cook a decent meal). The bane of my existence is this Mexican restaurant within walking distance from my townhouse. I've had enough Mexican food, up and down the coast of California, to know what average Mexican food tastes like and this place is below that. Despite my unimportant opinion, there is always a line out the door whenever I drive by this place (because no one asked: my hard-and-fast rule is to never eat where the clientele's ethnicity does not match the cuisine. see: the bane-of-existence Mexican spot packed with non-Mexicans or the AYCE Korean BBQ restaurant full to the brim with everyone but Koreans).
The problem has to do with lack of competition. It's like dating—the perception of a person's value increases the more suitors she or he or [insert politically appropriate term to describe additional genders here] has. But when the dating pool is wider, the lower this value becomes. The absence of peer pressure also creates the conundrum of being your own competition, which doesn't exactly motivate you to be competitive. So when a store opens next-door selling the same product as you, at a lower price and higher quality, it's not hard to get your lazy ass to switch gears.
I am no exception to the rule.
It's not like people are exactly starving for piano lessons out here, but I have to say I've done pretty well—though I can't say for certain how much it has to do with demand outpacing supply, a notion my ego refuses to acknowledge. For example, I used to believe the abundance of online inquiries I would get for piano lessons had more to do with my marketing skills—an unfortunate side effect of reading too many useless business books (fyi they're all useless). But then I discovered I was the only private piano teacher in Cypress with a website and Yelp profile.
So yeah, I'm a lazy bastard and there's nothing special about my "business" skills. The default rule happens to be convenience—people go to whatever place happens to be the closest, quality mattering much less than proximity. I am aware this makes me susceptible to future competitors who are more motivated (i.e. not a lazy bastard) than I am. But I can't seem to lift a finger since my brain keeps telling me there's no need to.
Wait until something's broke before you fix it.
Wait until a virus spreads until it shuts down the world.
•••
Unless you don't live on Earth, 2020 resulted in the strange sensation of our individual experiences being shared at the global level. It also made me utter a phrase I never expected to say in my entire life:
Thank God I live in Cypress.
That I felt this way was never more apparent as I witnessed the widespread violence and looting that occurred in major cities during the ~~riots~~ peaceful protests. The thought that kept looping in my mind was good thing we don't live there. My wife didn't need much convincing either, her eyes glued to the television screen as scenes of desolated streets and boarded-up storefronts induced her to exclaim I was shopping in that store last week! The scale of what I saw was definitely surprising, but it's not exactly news to a native Californian. But for my wife, all that was missing was a bag of popcorn.
Whereas I never wanted so much as a b.b. gun in the house, I now desired to become John Wick—amazing how quickly your lifelong stance on firearms can change in an instant. So I contacted my cousin, the first person you'd turn to in a zombie apocalypse (being a military guy, he has a private collection that rivals most armories).
How about a shotgun? At least a shotgun. Sold out. Everything, everywhere. Handgun? Nope. Any gun?
All my anxiety was for naught—what happened was a big, fat chunk of nada.
Even more nada than usual.
Where are the trees?
For a homebody like me, this was pretty easy to adapt to (not that Cypress made it that hard to stay at home, even pre-pandemic). Curfews? No problem. Stay at home orders? You got it. Wasn't just me, everyone seemed to fall in line.
All was hunky dory.
Fast forward five years and my appreciation has only grown. I notice things now. How people actually say hi when you pass them by on the sidewalk. And you don't need to worry about your Amazon packages being stolen or your Tesla getting keyed up. My existence is validated, I feel semi-important—unlike the dread of loneliness I feel wandering around the crowds of faceless people in big cities.
This place has changed since I first came here and it's still changing. For now the small town atmosphere is still there, never more obvious in the excitement that gets generated whenever it's announced a new something is opening up—there's a Trader Joe's! My wife, whose tastebuds run Asian, was never more excited to hear a Mitsuwa was coming to town. It was her turn to make me incredulous by uttering a phrase I never expected to hear:
Wow, Cypress is a convenient place to live!
(it only took fifteen years)
•••
