I would have been a great dad.
I know this because I used to hear it all the time. But there's a point people stop saying this, when you pass a certain age when it's no longer a possibility or when it becomes clear to them that it ain't gonna happen or when they finally realize you are of a species that chooses not to exercise his biological right that most view as an imperative.
It wasn't always like this.
When I was a kid, I was certain I would have my own kids one day. Three of them, in fact. Just the way my parents had done it (i am the oldest, sister in the middle & brother the youngest).
Then the number dwindled to two, one.
None.
I know why it happened. My family kept bugging me to have kids to the point that I got sick of hearing it.
Folks, there is NOTHING more ANNOYING than when someone incessantly tells you to do something you are ALREADY dead set on doing. Things like you need to make money (oh really? i was just planning on being a professional beggar) or finish your meal (i am well aware i will go to hell & an African child will starve as a direct result of not licking my plate clean).
I know, I know. That's what parents are supposed to do, right?
Wonderful. This does not make me feel any better whatsoever. You could make the argument that the people who tell everyone things like these are doing the same damn thing my parents have done my entire life. Like, how about you not say something so obvious and mind your own business? Because this is seriously not helping, you are NOT being constructive. Even just telling me to shut up and stop whining would be a vast improvement over what you're attempting.
What pushed me into the direction of a childless reality was the realization that trying to make my parents happy had made me a miserable adult. I used to don't resent them at all. I understand now that everything happens for a reason, all that I've been through has shaped me into the person I am today and I am MIGHTY THANKFUL for it–cue the corny Hallmark music.
I only wish I could have gotten it into their impenetrable skulls that I WANTED to be a good son. But for some reason, when you receive ZERO acknowledgment for your effort, it can kinda-sorta make you feel a tiny-bit bad.
(to all of you Koreans out there that say it's just the way we are. first, please see third to last paragraph. second, take that & SHOVE it up your piehole. i've noticed that the people who usually say this to me have also not had a great relationship with their parents. or weirdly, it's the complete opposite and they've grown up healthy in which case SHUT UP YOU FACE even more vigorously. what i WISH i had heard instead would have been something along the lines of, you can accept them for who they are, which doesn't mean you have to pretend what they did or how they did it was acceptable. i personally feel it is okay to say my parents' actions, however well-intended, did not have the desired effect & in all likelihood ended up making things worse. like i really, really wish i could tell them this does not make them failures at parenting but could you please, at a microscopic level, admit that you weren't exactly perfect in your execution? dude, it took me an entire lifetime of constant self-psycho-analyzing to want to actually get up in the morning and not faceplant all day bemoaning my eternally miserable existence)
(additional acceptable piece of advice: bro, like go read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Stoicism is the ISH yo. like THAT is useful, that actually helps. unlike the "it's just the way it is but i'm not going to offer any useful feedback which is kinda like saying you can't do anything about it")
Now, I know my parents wanted me to have a child BADLY. Which I have previously mentioned I had EVERY INTENTION OF DOING. So let's pretend we live in an alternate universe where Korean people are loving, sentimental beings. I know this is far-fetched, but the following could have been said:
"Son. You have been a great son. We're not saying you need to have a kid or kids for that matter, but to be honest we'd be totally crushed if you chose not to. But we'd get over it, because it's your life and we will always love you."
Okay, you can stop laughing now. But really, from this angle how could I NOT want to have kids? I would have totally commandeered that baby bandwagon. I would have fixed that sucker up, modified it with hydraulics and turbo.
What did I get instead?
When you have kids? Now you have kids? Later? When? When? When? Hey, you come visit mom and dad btw you have kids now? Now? Now? Now? Now? No? Okay, how about now? Why you get mad?
To their multitude of questions, I could only think of another:
Why should I?
I know what they would say. They'd say it's because of tradition, family, legacy. THE SURNAME MUST LIVE ON. Grandparents should have grandchildren, especially from their eldest son. And a grandparent's daughter's children should grow up with cousins of their own.
The only problem is that the actual person in charge was not addressed. The truth was that my happiness didn't matter–a son is only there to fulfill his obligations to the family. Oh, and people without kids are not normal (which has turned out to be very true–i am definitely not a normal person).
There's a happy ending though, when I say happy ending it's that I finally put a stop to this never-ending unmerry-go-round.
I was having lunch with my parents (galbi-tang if you're curious, as in the best galbi-tang i have ever had and will probably ever have. like, this place in the neighborhood is so good that it beats any location i've had even in k-town. it's not just me, my parents ordered a second round to take back home with them & they NEVER do this) and my mother brought up the subject for the billionth time.
I.
Had.
Had.
Enough.
Here's what I said in my choppy Korean:
"Mom. I no going to have kids. Ever. I happy with life and I no need for to have kids for happy."
First of all, I cannot even begin to tell you how gooooooood it felt to get this damn weight off my chest. Secondly, my mother's expression was downright comical–she literally looked as if an invisible pie had smacked her right in the face, I swear I saw her hair get blown back at that exact moment.
And so nobody in my immediate family has brought it up ever since.
(you're probably wondering how my wife feels about all this. it sounds selfish, it actually really is, but she's more-or-less okay with it because i have been firm in my decision. i am no Casanova but i think what it is is that women just don't want to see you waver. & trust me, they will test your resolve. like there were times when my wife was saying she wasn't sure she didn't want to not have kids & i was like that would be awfully hard to change WITHOUT MY LITTLE SWIMMIES. what has also been a massive help is that she is a piano teacher of children as well & has quickly realized it is a supremely effective method of birth control)
However, the crux of the issue was this–I felt like they took the decision out of my hands. Was I wrong in this conclusion? I mean, shouldn't the act of bringing forth a HUMAN LIFE into this world be MY CHOICE? Maybe you don't agree, but at least RESPECT MY AUTHORITA.
But to go deeper on this (as i am wont to do with the most trivial of matter. like when the manager of the church–where i hold my student piano recitals–complained about the new instrument that had been DONATED to them, saying that the previous model was so much better even though this new one SMOKED the older one in terms of EVERYTHING. i queried my wife as to why he would act this way and she immediately doesn't care–which doesn't get in the way of my overanalysis of the whole event, realizing THIS IS A MAN WHO FEARS CHANGE THE OLDER HE GET AS THE GRIM REAPER SLOWLY APPROACHES. i have personal issues, in case that wasn't clear) having-a-baby-thing is that it would have, quote unquote, fixed our family. Seen from this lens, it would have brought us together, made us whole.
(you know what else grates on my nerves? the stories i hear about husbands who have children just to appease their wives. this just doesn't sit right with me–if you're going to be a dad, be the best damn one you can. it is not fair to that kid who was brought into this world unwillingly. this is how resentment becomes generational)
Would it have though? I don't see it that way.
Instead of addressing major familial issues that have existed since my childhood, having a baby would have been the magic pill. But there's no such thing as a magic pill.
It would have been a convenient, longterm way to distract us all from having difficult conversations that need to happen. Which still haven't happened and probably never will because my father's already pretty damn old but only talks about the most superficial crap in the world such as the air conditioner in our home or the value or our property but guess what I ain't holding my breath either.
And yeah this sounds borderline bitter but don't get it twisted because I do, in fact, love my family. It's just they are so hard to love at times.
The ironic thing is that at this age I am in my best mental condition to have a child. Just by the mere fact I've been able to finally let go of this existential rage that has plagued me for the majority of my life. For sure things would be totally different now because I am, for the first time in forever, a really happy if not imbalanced person.
It's just too damn bad though. The physical capability for childrearing is long past, meaning it would be much too risky for my wife to take that chance.
But having a kid back then? That would have just set me back another decade.
First, by necessity I would have had to see my parents much more than I wanted and I am A-OK-PARTNUH with the very minimum amount of this (though as they are getting older i am making a concerted effort to call & see them more).
Second, I don’t think I could’ve stomached seeing my child get the love that stopped flowing to me after a certain age. The same way my grandfather gave me the love my father never got. I'm certain it strained my own relationship with my dad–I never got the sense my grandfather cared much for him. So why would I want to repeat that cycle anew? I don't believe my father ever got over this, I pray to God we can talk about it sometime but I don't see it happening (& for what reason? like DUDE can we patch things up before you have to go? is that not important for you? like BRO. DAD, BRO. are you REALLY okay with this? i am good either way, i ain't gonna worry bout it but DAWG i am worried about you. if this is the way you want it to end then so be it, i will not hold on to this in any way NOSIREE BOB. btw my student for some reason or other has this running joke with me where i now name most of her piano songs something-something-bob. Like Minuet in the Key of Bob. God i love my job).
So anyways, that's why I don't have kids.
THE END.
TL;DR: if you have kids yourself and you want them to have kids–tell them not to have kids.
